Hollie’s Rants

I logged on here to blog a bit, but before I did, I decided to read my last entry. It is amazing how things change over the course of a month. I think the most ironic thing was the date of my last entry. At the time I was pining away for my husband, he was making plans to meet another woman for sex.

I found out recently that my husband has been seeing another woman for the last month and a half. All the while telling me that he is still in love with me. How can you say that and tell another woman that you are in love with her? How can you do that to someone? It makes me wonder about every time he told me that he loved me. Was he lying the whole time?

I feel like I’ve been played. I’ve devoted almost 6 years into that man. I begged him to help me. To do the things that husbands are supposed to do. The things that he used to do. I knew that he could. I had seen him do it. And here is a kick in the teeth: The woman that he is seeing contacted me to make sure that it was over. She told me that she loves him and that he loves her and that she doesn’t want to get hurt so she was making sure that the marriage was really over. Then she told me about the “little” things that he does for her. All I could think about was when he used to do those same things for me. That is how he got me to fall head over heals for him.

I felt sorry for her. I tried to tell her how he is. What he has been saying to me. That he is a liar. I’m afraid that she is going to learn the hard way just like I did. These men should come with a sign that lets you know that they are a jackass so that you can run the other direction. She told me that she loves him and will have to trust him. She said she would find out the hard way… My question is: Then why the hell did you contact me saying that you didn’t want to get hurt? I can live with the fact that I tried to warn her. If she is the next victim on his list and she lets him after all that I told her then I guess she deserves what she gets.

I wish I would have had someone warn me. Not that my family didn’t try to tell me that he wasn’t a good match for me, but I mean someone that knew that he was playing this game on women. Someone that knew that he just bounced from female to female praying off their need to be loved and accepted. I’m so afraid that I’m never going to trust another man.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about all the stuff I have on my mind that I would like to get off so that I could have some peace.  It finally occurred to me that I have a blog. (I really need to do this more often.)  With that being said, here I go…

WTF!!! I do not understand life or how it works out that I am the bad guy when I do EVERYTHING!!! REALLY!!!???!!! I have busted my ass for the last 2 1/2 years to make my marriage work. I loved him. I asked questions. I was honest. I tried to have rational and calm discussions. I tried to be available for him when he needed me. I cleaned the house. I did the laundry. I paid the bills that I could. I gave up so much so that he could have what he wanted. All I ask for in return is a little help. Help me pay the bills. Help me clean the house. Help me with some errands. Is that too much to ask?? I didn’t think so. As usual, I am WRONG. I did nothing right. Someone needs to tell me what it means to be a wife. Obviously I don’t know. I had it all wrong.  So now I’m getting divorced.

Now lets talk about family. I seriously think I have the best family on the planet. I admit that is a matter of opinion, but this is my blog… So deal with it… With that being said, my family has been so supportive of me.  I make mistakes and they just let me. And instead of saying, “I told you so.” They are there for me when it inevitably goes south. They accepted my husband because he was the man I chose to spend my life with. Even if they thought that he wasn’t the best choice for me, they welcomed him (and his children) into the family with open arms.  My poor mother feels like she is losing grandchildren.

His family: LIED about me, tried to get him to leave me, talked about me behind my back, and accused me of hording money.  Now if you made it thru the first paragraph and are still reading, I mentioned how I paid all the bills, right? (Recap: I paid the bills that I could. I gave up so much so that he could have what he wanted. ) I’m so angry with them. My husband is telling me that he isn’t letting them say anything else bad about me. I wonder how long this is going to last. I can tell he is already starting to care less about me. Not that I blame him. I kicked him out of his house and he is staying with like 18 other people. I would be a bit bitter if the shoe were on the other foot. I’m already bitter. Bitter because it didn’t matter what I did nothing was ever good enough for him. Nothing would make him want to help me or be there for me.

Here is the really messed up thing. I still love him so much it hurts. After everything, I would reconsider in a heartbeat if he were to start acting right. I still cry everytime I see him. I look at his beautiful smile and stare into the eyes of the man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life and my heart breaks all over again. And yet, if I don’t see him, I miss him terribly. Sometimes I think I have gone crazy. I imagine that I’m not the only one that has gone thru emotions like these. It just feels like you are so alone when you are the one in the middle of it.

Ok. So I didn’t wait as long before I wrote this time! YAY ME! I won the competition!! Total weight loss 43 lbs. Not too bad. I’m going to continue my journey. Wish me luck. I just got done with my first week back at work after my week of vacation. Which I have to say was a welcomed relief. However, I am exhausted. I seem to always be on the go. Even while I was on vacation. As much as I was trying to take it easy, something would always cause me to get up early in the morning and start the day. Mostly Charlie. (my dad’s African Grey) As expected I just love that baby bird. It didn’t like me too well though. I spent most of my vacation trying to get him/her to like me. I finally accomplished this mission shortly before time for me to return home. Fan-freaking-tastic!! Such is life. So now I’m back home with all my little darlings. Two dogs, a ferret, and a snake. I have no time or space for a bird, but now I want one really badly.

Ok, so since June the 1st I have lost 34 lbs. Yay me!!! Only problem is I WANT MORE!!!!! I want to make it just fall off!! I hate waiting!!! I also want to be able to eat some candy or sugar every once and a while, but I’m scared that it will only lead me down the dark side of unhealthy eating again. Oh how easy it would be to slip back into that lifestyle…  I miss the dear friend I would turn to in my hour of need…  The bitch…  (We have a love/hate relationship)  But don’t all overweight people have that same relationship with food?  They want it, they need it, and yet it is killing them because they can’t stop craving it. You know I’ve never done drugs. Not once even thought about it.  it is like food is my drug.  It is an addiction and I’m weening myself off of it.  I’m sure that is how everyone that is on a diet feels.  Lucky skinny folks that can eat anything they want… Stupid slow metabolism.  Stupid fat.  Stupid me for letting it get so out of control.

It has been a long time since I have written anything. Thought I would give it a shot today while we are not busy. This usually means that we will start getting busy because I’m trying to do something else.  Murphy’s law… What do you know? Our software just crashed!! Good thing anyone reading this wouldn’t be able to tell how long it took me to write it. Funny thing… Not much is going on… More of the same. Fire Fall closed on December 21st. This was my favorite place to eat. Christmas was great. Kristen was very happy with what she got from Santa, and so was I. My husband got a GPS. I got my dad a remote control airplane. That was a lot of fun! We were doing a terrible job trying to get it to fly correctly. My husband said something pretty funny. He asked when we got to the point where we get grown up stuff from our parents for Christmas, and we get our parents toys. What an awesome question!! My dad said that when you reach 50 you should have everything that you need. How true… I hope I have everything I need when I’m 50. Sometimes it seems like I will never dig myself out of the hole I find myself in. I’ve decided not to make any New Year resolutions. I would just set myself up for failure. I did get back in touch with my old friend Patrick!! That is something new. Sometimes you don’t know how much you missed someone until they come back. Now I’m almost ready to take off and drive to Georgia to see him and his mom. Good thing the gas prices went down in case I decide to indulge that fantasy. My husband would throw a fit. He doesn’t understand my connection to my friends. I love them very much. I would do anything for my friends because I would want them to do anything for me. Patrick is special. I was so sad when he left. It is tuff being torn down the middle. Part of me wanted to go with him. Start anew in the state of Georgia. The other part of me couldn’t bare to be that far from my family.

The Spam bots have found my blog! Trying to get rid of all the crap, I accidentally deleted every one’s comments. I’m so sorry.  I will be trying to change the security on my blog, so if you want to leave a comment you might have to do one of those stupid type the characters as they appear in the box things. I can’t help but wonder if Viagra makes any money off of sending spam to your computer. If it were me, I would be more inclined to not buy the product that was sending me 1800 messages. That is an annoyance, not an incentive.  No one has commented on my template. I think it is because no one is reading my blog. That is ok… It is for me anyway. A place for me to speak my mind without fear of pissing anyone off. Of course, it isn’t like I’m ranting about stuff that matters. Just little things that probably wouldn’t bother anyone but me. Also, the only name I have mentioned in my rants has been Jeff, and I believe I have his permission to verbally bash him on my blog. He is purposely making me crazy, so I have decided that, when I have to be institutionalized, I’m sending him the bill. He thinks I hate him, but I don’t. I hate his teaching methods, but everyone has been telling me that the end result is positive. As just a guy, not an instructor, he is pretty cool. He is super smart and really funny. He also has a very endearing habit of being completely scatter-brained. Makes you just want to take care of him.

I have been google-ing free templates for my website, and I have found so many that I can’t make up my mind. I have decided to open this up for discussion. What I’m going to do is change my template every other day. If you would like to contribute to the discussion, please comment to this article. My dad and I were having a conversation not terribly long ago, and he said that one is not capable of making a good decision until at least 18, and even then it is questionable. That is why he never let us make our own decisions when we were young. I think this has proverbially neutered my decision making ability. Dad, if you are reading this, I need you to keep making my decisions for me!!! I seem to only make the wrong ones!! Speaking of being young, don’t you wish sometimes that you could go back and do things over? I have so many things that I wish I could undo. For example, apparently my favorite word when I was little was “why.” I couldn’t stand it when my parents said, “Because I said so!” Now that I have a step child, I have realized that sometimes that is just the right answer. There is no other reason besides I said so. And that is good enough. Don’t question me. Just accept that what I have told you is law. This is what I should have done when I was young. Instead I always had to ask why, and my parents will not let me live this down. They are tickled pink that I am “paying for my raising.” I now completely understand why parents love grandchildren. They finally get to taste the sweetness of revenge.  I am now looking forward to being a grandparent myself. I know that I have a long, long, long time before that happens, but I think that it will be worth the wait.

I just wanted to give a shout out to Jerrod, my training buddy, on his 22nd birthday. Congrats Jerrod! Best wishes to you today and for all your future birthdays!!

Also, to my dear sister, Happy Anniversary to you today! I happen to know that you have been married for 9 years now. (I know this because you got married the year I graduated high school, but again I’m not bitter) I love you! May you have many more happy years with your husband!

Isn’t it funny how the smallest things give me pleasure? (Please keep all perverted comments to yourself! I didn’t mean it that way!) I’m absolutely beaming because I can Google search my name and find my website… I may just be turning into a complete nerd… Much to the delight of my sensei… The day I’m able to carry on a technical conversation, and understand everything that is being said, will be a day of joy and celebration. Right now it feels as though I’m trying to learn another language. The people around me are talking, and I have no idea what they are saying. They may as well be speaking Japanese. Or Thai…

It seems as though now that I have some where to write my thoughts none come to mind. I blame Jeff… I think he is a mutant that sucks all the brain activity out of your head, so that he can become the all powerful god of ingenuity… Or maybe you are so intimidated by his far more superior intellect that your own shrinks and cowers in the furthest corner of your mind.  All I know is that I did, at one time, consider myself to be an intelligent person… That time has passed… I’m now referred to as “mush brain” by my peers, and I’m pretty sure that my skull is starting to cave in… What happened to my ability to learn?? Where did it go?? Do you reach a certain age and suddenly a large portion of your brain deteriorates?? Any thoughts?? Please comment…

Today is my parent’s anniversary. I think this year is the 34th year they have been married. What an inspiration! I can only hope that my marriage last as long. Congratulations Momma and Daddy!! I wish I had my father’s wisdom, and my mother’s patience. I’m amazed that two people can stand each other for that long… August 1st will be my one year anniversary, and I wonder at least once a week if I can make it thru it without killing my husband. Whom, I would like to add, I love dearly, but even with as much as I love him, he still makes me crazy sometimes. I’m sure he feels the same way.